The first time I wrote about this was 2014. We had had a pretty rough 2013 and we were finally walking out of that fire and growing.
The second time was last year. August. We had made some pretty big changes and still kept walking. Then the shit hit the fan. And it KEPT hitting it. We "dealt" with addictions, deaths, moves and un-moves, broken promises and engagements. I could keep going but you get the picture. 2016 has royally sucked monkey balls so far. Just SO much, too much, for two people to handle alone.
So I'm revisiting.
Maybe if we had followed these "rules" a little more closely we wouldn't be here now? Maybe if I keep reminding myself of them we won't ever be here again?
There is no need to point fingers. "There is no innocent one in this game of two." (Yes, I just quoted the Bebes.....)
From December through May we have done everything we possibly could to hurt each other.
My go-to is screaming and yelling and throwing shit. I'm a very vocal person naturally so it just makes sense to become more vocal when agitated.I mean...if you don't feel you are being heard you should be louder, right??
I am not insane. I do not randomly yell and throw things. There were events. There were situations. There were(are) deeper issues. It all built up. It was overwhelming. From both myself and manfriend. I can not imagine anyone honestly saying "Oh I would totally be cool with that" if the shoes were on your feet. Or maybe you would. Kudos to you then!! You apparently feel much more secure in your relationships than we do at this moment. I won't speak for him but I am hurt, confused , injured and exhausted. And I would put money on the fact that he feels just about the same. If you look at us and only see the past 5 months then you are missing out. 3 1/2 years together. And I can say that 2+ of those years were fucking MAGICAL. So the way I look at it is our odds are good as long as we keep playing the game.
For those of you that were there and just listened thank you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through the ringer. Out of all this I believe that I know that the people we hurt the most were are family and friends. We will be ok, we know what happens in between the fights and arguments. We know that there is so much potential there and that the good times FAR outweigh the bad. Our friends and family don't get to see or hear about all those times. They only hear the negative. Please please remember that when you see us.
We don't know where we are right now. But we are there together. Now just to see if we can stumble back onto the road again. Maybe we can...maybe we can't. We just don't know right now.
1) You CAN work through things if you subtract everyone else from the equation and focus on the only two people that matter in a relationship. Outside interference whether it be a concerned friend, a meddling family member or a trifling bitch. GET THEM OUT!!
Last year I wrote :
This is still number one for us!! Yes we appreciate everyone’s concern. We often ask for close friends and family’s opinions. But in the end we have to do what is right for us and our family. I might call you and tell you that he is the biggest asshole on the planet. Nay!! In the UNIVERSE!! But by this point my homies know I’ll be calling them the next day cruising around with my honey like nothing ever happened. We need people to vent to, people to nod and agree, including when we do call back the next day and say that we are fine and working through it. We promise not to do it too often.
Seriously, I think this is the worst part of this entire situation. Dealing with the aftermath of our need to feel validation from someone...anyone. No matter how wrong it was. It is human nature to run to your friends and family. To get validation when you feel wronged. And it is human nature for the one lending an ear to give you that validation. But then, as I said above, all they hear is the bad. Do you call them to say "He totally did all the laundry for me today" or "He knew I had a rough day and bought me wine and downloaded Sex and the City episodes for me". No. That isn't in our nature. So now here we are and ALL of our closest peeps are pissed. So much so that I told manfriend the other day there was probably really no reason to stay together. No one wants to be around us together. If we manage to pull ourselves out of this funk and decide to get married no one will come because his friends hate me and my friends hate him. Hate is a strong word I know...but at the very least they don't have respect for us being together. And that is worse than hate. But here we are....
2) Don't make promises you can't keep. Not wanting to hurt your loved ones feelings tends to make it hard to be honest. Trust me, broken promises and deception hurts your partner WAY worse than just saying "I don't know" or "I will try. "
Last year : I guess I would just like to add to this. Don’t lie!! For instance, if you tell your partner “we are fostering a dog” don’t bring home a dog and 6 puppies. Trust me on this.
I have learned a lot the past couple months. Mostly due to therapy and trying to really DEAL not just cover it up. So I look at this "rule" a little differently now. When an issue comes up in a relationship it is so easy to say "Ok that is over , let's move on" but the deeper issues are still there. And if they aren't faced now they will just come back meaner and worse than before. You can't say "I promise I won't talk to her anymore" and not deal with the damage that is already done. You can't promise to be awesome from here on out without discussing how you got to the point of having to make that promise.
3) It is OK to say no. Again, feelings and not wanting to tread on them will make you do crazy things. Ex: "Oh yes! I would Loooove to go hiking with you" when in reality you can't stand the idea of being eating alive by mosquitos, sweating your balls off and climbing up the side of a mountain. IT IS OK TO SAY NO!!!
Last year: Still totally ok to say no but don’t do it ALL the time. If he wants you to ride to Lowe’s with him after work and all you can think of is sitting on the couch watching a romantic comedy and swimming into a bottle of wine just think about how often you have said no already and then get your ass up and ride to Lowe’s. It is also perfectly acceptable to take something completely off the table. Example: “I will NEVER go hiking again. Neeevvvveeerrrr. “ Got it buddy!! I won’t ask and no feeling will be hurt. You have drawn that line in the sand.
When you are fighting for your relationship it is totally ok to say no. No to what makes me feel insecure, unsafe and generally makes you feel like shit. Even if what you are saying no to is just temporary until you gain some of that magical spark back. It is ok to say "No, I will not stay here and listen to you yell at me". It is ok to say "No, I don't feel comfortable with you doing that" It is OK to draw those lines in the sand.
I'm going to lump #4 and #5 together here...because it really goes hand in hand.
4) It is also ok to do things apart from each other. In the new relationship, when hormones and googly eyes are abundant, you want to do EVERYTHING together. You can't imagine not doing everything together. The times you can't be together you are sad and lonely and maybe even feel guilt. You are two different people. Had two different upbringings. It is ok to do two different things occasionally. 5) Always include your special person. Even if you are doing two different things, come home and tell them all about it! Sharing your life doesn't mean losing yourself.
Last Year : I still think this is ok but apparently it is a fine line between I’m meeting my girlfriends for lunch (totally acceptable to manfriend) and I’m going out on a huge boat for a week with my girlfriends. (totally NOT acceptable)
Refer to last statement. When going on a huge boat for a week with girlfriends paying the extra money for internet access is mandatory. Noted and never forgot now! You live and you learn.
Still totally cool UNLESS what you are doing separately can not be shared with your partner. If you can't come home and tell him/her what you did or who you were with then you are wrong and you deserve to be yelled at. *drops mic*
6) I always read about this in articles about "how to have a strong relationship". I swear it is in EVERY SINGLE ONE. ....never go to bed separately. And I always think that that is some BS. Rarely do manfriend and I go to bed at the same time. I'm an 8-5er...he is a night shifter. Even if he isn't working those hours much anymore that is what he is use to. And honestly, I prefer to fall asleep alone and have him come to bed later. It works better for us and as long as I get my tuck in and good night kisses or a loving sweet dreams text on the nights he is working I am happy.
Last year: We still have different sleeping patterns but we always try to lay down together for a little bit. There is no better part of my day then when we lay down and hold hands while watching some random thing on youtube. It is the way I want to end all of my nights.
Let's face it..I love our presleep cuddles but the man snores like a G-D bear.
7) Fight fair!! I've learned there is no need to raise your voice during an argument. Sure sometimes you might get heated but if you both stay calm and think about what you say before you spill word vomit then the argument should not escalate to something that can't be solved in a short amount of time. It is easier said than done sometimes, but don't bring up past issues. IF this happens more often than not then the past problems were never solved and need to be discussed and resolved.
Last year: Ok..back when I wrote this I think I was trying to not yell because manfriend didn’t like it. Over the past year I have realized that manfriend can be a HUGE passive aggressive JERK FACE!! Instead of yelling he says things and does things that make me want to claw his eyes out !! So yeah, I yell when we are arguing. But hey! AT least he knows when I am mad. A lot of times I have to take a wild guess and figure out what I did to piss him off. I like my way a LOT better!!
Oh Dear Lord. THIS. Still yelling. Still getting passive aggressive jerk face. I can NOT wait for the day I can update this and say "We did it!!" We learned how to fight fair!! Not there yet.
8) When deciding to coexist in one location, pet peeves should be discussed prior to moving. Sometimes this is IMPOSSIBLE because you don't know that something drives you absolutely batshit crazy until it is being done. In this case, discuss them as soon as possible.
Last Year: He is still driving me batshit crazy. That is all.
If I find one more corndog wrapper on the kitchen counter I swear to all that is good and Holy I will flip my shit. 'Nuff said.
9) Touch!! The human touch can do so much for the spirit. Hold hands. Run your fingers through their hair. Give little kisses on your way past each other. Do this often and every single day!!
Last year: Yes yes yes!! A million times yes!! I can feel myself on the verge of getting frustrated or annoyed and then remember this. It is amazing how a hug from a manfriend or your offspring can make you feel like it will all be ok.
It's so hard to touch someone when all you want to do is throat punch them. But hey...we held hands this morning. It's a start.
10) We have said two things from the start of our relationship and I think it has helped us tremendously. Baby steps and One day at a time. When you are so obsessed with the future or the past there is no way to live in the NOW.
Last Year: Forever, one day at a time.
Forever one day at a time.
Edit: So at this point I would like to add If you don't have anything nice to say, don 't say anything at all. We are working through things (again) and the past is the past. We know what happened. We know our mistakes. Trust me. We were the only ones that were there every single time. If you insist on bringing up the past then you are only making it difficult for yourself.
Edit: So at this point I would like to add If you don't have anything nice to say, don 't say anything at all. We are working through things (again) and the past is the past. We know what happened. We know our mistakes. Trust me. We were the only ones that were there every single time. If you insist on bringing up the past then you are only making it difficult for yourself.
